We always hear other people saying that delayed gratification is one way to make things very satisfying. They say that we can’t always gift ourselves with something that we want because its meaning and impact greatly lessens. However, in times of such toil, terror and grief – when we are far too indulged in hustling and bustling, it seems that we forget treating ourselves all together.
I find that we tend to reason out not allowing ourselves to experience relaxation and unadulterated happiness; saying that we have other responsibilities to attend to… or that we can treat ourselves after everything has finished. In reality, when did that happen? When did problems stop arising, especially when you’re not that privileged in life? When, in your adult life, did something happen where suddenly your responsibilities vanished? Never.
Does that mean that you don’t deserve to buy yourself some good food or treat yourself out on a date, or go the concert that you’ve been meaning to go? Of course not. IF you won’t allow yourself to breathe, then you will absolutely burn out. Either your physical or mental health crash out, or you will live your life in so much regret and envy against those who made themselves happy in so many ways, regardless on their privilege or lack thereof.
Let’s take the story of someone I know. Let’s call her “Reesa’ – not her real name. She is an awesome mother of two kids and has spent almost thirty years of tending to her kids and her husband. She is not used to spending time for herself or even buying things as simple as new clothing. She often does her new hairstyle every time her mother asks to be accompanied to the salon – but never on her own. She would only use items brought by her relatives from abroad. And, every time she spends on an online shopping app, she would only buy items for the house or for her business. Recently, when I talked to her, she told me that she’s not meeting her friends anymore because she doesn’t want to.
Now, what does that tell you? I dare say for us to not pity her because I totally understand her situation. She is the stronghold of the family and she has been working so hard in nurturing everyone she loves. However, now that her kids are all grown up and that she actually has the money to spend for herself because the kids are already earning income from their jobs, it seems that she doesn’t know how to treat herself (in a way that is not connected to her family; but, only to herself). Every time that I tell her to buy something for herself, she would always say that she only needs to spend for whatever is needed in the house. That lack of love for herself was so deep that even her identity is tied up to someone else – one event that should not happen to anyone.
This kind of situation takes a really long time to work out and there may be instances that there needs to be a complete overhaul and establishment of unfamiliar boundaries. When she should’ve been treating yourself ever since, she ended up burning out for most times. She’s always unable to sleep properly as she’s accustomed with thinking about problems and worries. And, I fear, that this kind of behavior won’t make the rest of her life really comfortable.
Me, on the other hand, is trying to work my own problems. I was used to simply doing my best and making other people proud. I have been working on a lot of things and acting as a breadwinner for the family. However, I’ve been noticing for years how I’ve started feeling worn out almost everyday and that my routine consists of simply doing my best for other people; and, from then on, I’ve treated myself for minute things.
I’ve been buying myself some good food from time to time (like Korean cuisine which I love so much). I watched movies by myself and without people even knowing. I even spent days rotting inside my apartment even if I had responsibilities to work on. However, it felt like they were so minute that they barely scratched the surface. Everything changed when I finally started treating myself with the big guns.
I began traveling to places I’ve never been to like Boracay Island. I went to my first ever concert with one of my favorite singers. And, now, I’m planning to do a lot more because I thought that for all of my life, I’ve been serving other people. Now, it’s time to serve myself. That doesn’t mean that I will be abandoning the people that I love and my responsibilities as an adult. It only means that I will allow more space for myself in order to be recharged and more ready to conquer every challenge that the world throws at me.
Even this blog itself is one way for me to give time to my thoughts and my own being, and treating myself with more love and understanding. This allows my own brain to rest because I have an egregore that I can feed my thought process in – therefore, giving me more power to get the things that I want and satisfy my own needs.
That is not to say that I’ve reached that great state of being where I can shift my being from time to time – from being this workaholic savant to this laid back tourist. There are still moments of my life when, due to certain circumstances, my fight or flight instinct causes me to deliver 100% even if I only have 0%. I even had to wait for years before I started making content and showing my story to a lot of people. However, I made a promise on myself that I will do everything in my power to have that balance of offering my being and my capabilities to myself and to other people. That, I shouldn’t sacrifice one for another at all times. That, in order to be able to live naturally and authentically, I must serve one another depending on what my gut says – and, not on what my limiting beliefs say.
As for Reesa, well, she’s still a work-in-progress. I’m helping her to establish her own boundaries and allowing more resources for herself. It’s kind of a tough love situation – the type of which I would not want for other people because it can get intense and stressful, at times. Because, you don’t deserve to wait for things to happen. Allow yourself to be happy and to be relaxed because you can never know what the universe will give you. It might send you your biggest challenge yet, but you aren’t prepared because you didn’t treat yourself more. Instead of spending time waiting for good things to happen to you, make sure that your body and soul are both open to possibilities and spend time loving yourself.
It might take days, weeks, or even years for you to learn such a thing depending on how much institutions instilled limiting beliefs in your head. However, it is all worth it in the long run. You don’t have to grab the next flight to your vacation destination right away (though, you can definitely do that if you feel like it). Take the first step. Buy yourself a chocolate or watch a movie; then, you’ll go from there. Step by step, you will slowly realize how much of an awesome being you are and that you deserve to face more than challenges; but, also the good things that you can have when you start loving yourself and treating yourself with such high regard.
And, if you’re the type of person who can’t stop thinking about responsibilities, think of it this way: the only way for you to help other people is by helping yourself. You cannot make a mark in the world if your body is too exhausted to even lift a finger, or if your mind is so full of burden that, in the end, you might even forget how to breathe. You cannot excuse yourself from having fun because you will be forced by your body to recognize its own needs.
If your argument is to wait, then please share to the rest of the class what you are waiting for. If you’re looking for the perfect timing, I fear that you’re losing grasp of it. That time is now. The now is when you’re too stressed that your head will explode, and when everybody tells you to delay your gratification because it’s the norm or you’re “too mature” to do such things – when maturity means being mundane enough to lose the life in your eyes. The timing? That’s when you’ve been reaching to the heavens and crying to the universe for a breather. You might feel like you’ll be wasting resources; but, you’re gaining something more than that in the long run – because you are gaining control of your own self.
Delayed gratification is beneficial, yes; but, to a certain extent only. Delayed gratification is only meant for you to establish consistency and accountability to whatever you’re focusing on; but, if you’re the type of person who eats responsibilities for breakfast, then it’s not for you. Wake up and loosen your grip on your own neck; or else, you won’t have a body to hold on to when the time comes. Yes, this is a friendly warning because you won’t like what it feels like when you’re finding it hard to come back to your own self because you won’t even recognize it in the first place.
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