Music has been with a lot of us for as long as we remember. It has been either a guide, a distraction, or a communication channel for a lot of us. For me, for the most part, it has been a memory holder – especially, for moments that seemed to be mundane and insignificant at the time. It serves as a reminder of how I felt, behaved, and acted on the circumstances that I was in whilst listening to it. Different songs remind me of my past triggers, relationships, and other environmental factors that made me who I am today. At the same time, it shows how I have been growing as a person – which includes changes in my priorities and my values. And, every year since 2019, the Spotify Wrapped has become my main tool to look back on my experiences.
For the past few years, I’ve been wanting to carefully dissect this wonderful invention by Jewel Ham; but, I’ve never thought of a proper channel until now. I’ve always wanted to know how certain songs represent different seasons of my life because I’ve always relied on the lyrics and the feelings that the songs give off to: 1) guide me to determine how I’m truly feeling at a certain moment; and, 2) recognize thoughts that are hidden behind such emotion.
Now, I’m ready to look back and reflect. It’s now time to encourage such mindfulness in the things that we consume. And, I invite you to this small journey in determining my personal growth through music. And, maybe, just maybe, you’ll also be encouraged to become attentive to the things that you listen to and to partake in this fun inner work.
(Disclaimer: I am not affiliated with Spotify. This is not a sponsored post. All thoughts are entirely my own. Also, if you want to access the public playlist while reading the article, you can click here!)
- The Life Before Everything Started
- The Blue Book: The Unwanted and Unwarranted College Memories
- An Imagination of a Possible Romance
- The Work Constants
- How I Was First Introduced to the Ballroom Culture
My most listened songs back in 2019 is indeed mixed as it was a conglomeration of my experiences starting from a year before – from graduating from high school, to entering and navigating a new environment, university, far away from my natural habitat. It was all about discovering the first stage of my personality, trying out a lot of things (even if I didn’t really like doing so; just, for the sake of experience), and overhauling my previous identity that was developed since I was in elementary. It’s a mix of nostalgic songs from the greats like Celine Dion and Barbra Streisand. and new-ish songs from the likes of Ben&Ben and Selena Gomez.
The genre variety is quite chaotic – made up of ballad, pop, rock, and even musical songs. Therefore, I decided to divide 100 songs to 10 different sections. Each section is all about a certain season within my life that year, like: experiencing college, the first heartbreak, my daily work behavior, and even finding musical anchors like Beyonce. This is why this journey will be divided into multiple parts for easier dissection. Upon writing this article, I managed to look back on memories that were even pushed back into my subconscious, and those experiences that I might have forgotten over the years. I can never confirm not deny whether I cried while rediscovering the playlist or not; but, I digress.
The Life Before Everything Started
Before I went to college, I was in a program that focused on the performing arts – singing, dancing, and even production design. Every now and then, we would practice on musical numbers like those of musical theatre – like, Chicago. We would watch such movies and analyze the stories and political context. We even tried replicating the performances by using the resources that we had – mind you, we were not well off as a newly made institution; therefore, we made the term, “resourceful”, as our bitch. If we were all satisfied with the quality, we performed such numbers to different events and even mall shows. It is indeed funny to remember how a few members of our class performed Hot Honey Rag at a Christmas concert where the audience was mainly composed of kids. It was both innocent and a little bit concerning.
One of those musicals that we would practice on is RENT. It was a special musical to me, back then, because of the obvious inclination to the LGBTQIA+ storyline and it was my first consumed media about the AIDS crisis. I was ahead of the class to understand it because I had watched the movie way before; and, I was particularly in love with the freedom that the songs made me feel – especially, the La Vie Boheme, the song that was used to close the first act of the story. However, since the song was too explicit for such a Christian dominated class, we opt for the iconic, Seasons of Love. Of course, I did the male solo part every time.
This song served as a reminder of my deep love with musicals. My family would buy pirated DVDs or rent CDs of musicals like Les Miserables and High School Musical; and, I was more focused on the songs and not the stories. Every now and then, you would hear me, my mother, or my brother singing bits and pieces of songs; then, we would sometimes join in harmony as if as we’re members of the production.
This season was a bit of an emotional time for me, as well. I would get anxiety attacks (real ones) because I was not understanding the concept of passed moments, death, and even not being able to become a fully realized person. The sentimentality of leaving home and going to an unknown place where no one knows you and you have to fend for yourself was a bit strong. This song made me calm. Sometimes, inside the bathroom, I would even sing the male solo part just because.
However, when I was finally living my life as a college student, the instances that I was playing and singing this song were going low. It was not because I didn’t believe in the song anymore; but, I was already bombarded with so much stimuli that I simply forgot about the song.
The Blue Book: The Unwanted and Unwarranted College Memories
- Lover – Taylor Swift
- Kathang Isip – Ben&Ben
- Best Thing I Never Had – Beyonce
- Pagtingin – Ben&Ben
- Imperfections – Celine Dion
- Pagkakataon (Wag kang Titigil) – MilesExperience
- Ang Huling El Bimbo – Eraserheads
- Lose You to Love Me – Selena Gomez
- Summer Girl – HAIM
- That Don’t Impress Me Much – HAIM
The end of 2019 was the mark of my one and a half years of studying and so many things happened. My freshman year was when I attended all of the known parties in the area. I drank a lot, did a lot of something-something, and was bombarded with academic paperworks, assumptions and disappointments. When I thought that I was pressured in high school? That was indeed a farce for the next stage was intense – to add the fact, that I was the only one in our family to be in a top university. Boom. Automatically, an academic breadwinner was born.
Imagine this: you, someone with no name and no money, exposed to so many walks of life. Everyone had their own strengths and intelligences that you had to make twice the effort. Lots of coffee, and no sleep. You had no choice to stop or to take a pause because one missed assignment or quiz is a hit to your grade. You’re forced to do your best to be thrifty, to find an extra source of income, to gain enough grade to maintain your laude status, and to make everyone in your family and in your city proud.
When I became too bombarded with stressors, I began listening to Eraserheads’ Ang Huling El Bimbo. It was so on brand because I was studying in the University of the Philippines (as the band came from the same institution as well). It’s a nostalgic song that was about unrequited love and the first time to get heartbroken and to say goodbye. The first object of unrequited love was the idea of the perfect life – where I had no problems except for studying itself. The second object was a person that I liked – who I didn’t realize that he took advantage of me for quite a while until I wasn’t palatable anymore.
That was when I became obsessed with Ben&Ben’s Kathang Isip to a point that I was able to perform it in one of the university’s main events. It was an admission that the thing that I was thinking about was just pure imagination and an assumption that someone would love me the same way I did. Such admission was the gateway for me to discover true self love. This was the reason why I listened to Selena Gomez’s Lose You to Love Me and Beyonce’s Best Thing I Never Had.
It may sound a bit an overreaction to such a thing but I have always been a sensitive person… and, also, might have been an autistic one ever since. I needed the lyrics of the songs to guide me on what I should feel – regardless if the context of the song was tad different from what I experienced. Plus, both songs were good practice for my vocal skills.
One time, I was working on a few requirements and had my Youtube play random songs and I stumbled upon HAIM for the first time with their song, Want You Back. I found the song to have a very good feel because of the smooth rhythm and the guitar strumming (Note: Forgive me as I am not versed well with music terms.). After hearing the music, I looked at my browser and watched the music video – which made me fall in love with them even more. It was so simple – the three sisters walking down on a wide road, in the middle of a city, early in the morning. It was not complex. It was just them being goofy while singing the lyrics of what supposed to be asking another person to come back. However, to me, the lyrics where about a person asking their own Self to come back. From there, I began listening to the rest of their catalogue and became an anticipant to their latest releases.
An Imagination of a Possible Romance
- Fly You to the Moon – Justin Vasquez
- Oo – Up Dharma Down
- Maybe The Night – Ben&Ben
- Almost Is Never Enough – Ariana Grande, Nathan Sykes
- Torete – Moonstar88
- Photograph – Ed Sheeran
- Daydreamer – Adele
- Make You Feel My Love – Adele
- Yakap sa Dilim – Orange & Lemons
- Delicate – Taylor Swift
- Hanggang Kailan – Umuwi Ka Na Baby – Orange & Lemons
- ‘Di Na Muli – Janine
Of course, I was still “young”. Even after experiencing heartache, I didn’t close up my heart that fast. I entertained people and I tried being with them. Even though all attempts never worked out, I developed this behavior of imagining how it feels to be loved. At night, when I walked alone inside the campus or when I was contemplating while I was on my bed, I listened to romantic songs. I listened to Justin Vasquez’s Fly You to the Moon when I wanted to imagine being serenated. I sang Yakap sa Dilim by Orange & Lemons when I was drinking so I could imagine being with someone after a very exhausting day. But, of course, because of the duality, I also listened to heartbreaking songs to imagine what it feels like to be broken in different ways. You might think that it was masochistic behavior; but, it made me ready from multiple scenarios.
Adele’s version of Make You Feel My Love made me imagine a reality where I was not with someone who I love – maybe they’re just away from me or they died; but, either way, the song works. Janine’s version of ‘Di Na Muli evoked a scenario where I got tired of fixing a relationship.
I know what you’re thinking. What the hell is this? It should be apparent that when someone talks about emotional growth and development, the topic of past behaviors is always covered. That, one must not be ashamed of their actions – though, I want to clear up that the version of myself feels pity on the 2019 me because they didn’t have the lessons needed for such scenarios and they must’ve felt so alone, isolated, and disrespected that they opened up themselves too much just to try replacing what disappeared from them after experiencing the first pain. Maybe the song Delicate by Taylor Swift was their sort of catharsis for the Self to convince me that before I should find love from other people, I must look inward and accept myself for my own being – warts and all.
The Work Constants
- Irreplaceable – Beyonce
- Love On The Brain – Rihanna
- Turning Tables – Adele
- Sa Susunod Na Lang – PDL, Skusta Clee, Yuridope
- Juice – Lizzo
- Unfaithful – Rihanna
- Knowing Me, Knowing You – ABBA
- Take A Bow – Rihanna
- Araw-Araw – Ben&Ben
- If I Were a Boy – Beyonce
- Everything Has Changed – Taylor Swift, Ed Sheeran
- If I Ain’t Got You – Alicia Keys
- Paalam – Moira Dela Torre, Ben&Ben
- Kung Di’ Rin Lang Ikaw – December Avenue, Moira Dela Torre
- Kahit Ayaw Mo Na – This Band
- Someone Like You – Adele
- Buwan – juan karlos
- Truth Hurts – Lizzo
Even before the time in college, I was already a workaholic. I never truly rested because I had goals to have high grades. When I did my requirements or research on interesting topics, I always went over the top. I often times spent hours and hours just to find the thing that I was looking for. This behavior was consistent as a university student.
When it was hell season (not week), I often times spend mornings to mornings to finish everything that I had on my plate – including article commissions for extra money. I listened to a variety of artists and went without a significant pattern. I had music from the 70s and 80s, OPM music that included ballads and rap, pop songs that has been staple since their releases, and latest creations that were being listened to by the community around me.
I’m not sure if this is also the behavior of other people; but, during these days, I couldn’t really write for a long period of time without listening to songs or singing. My brain processed a lot of information that I needed the illusion of me speaking out ideas by mouthing the lyrics of the music that I was listening to. There were times as well that I challenged myself to finish requirements after a certain number of songs – so, when I know that I’m listening to the second chorus or the bridge, I had to write faster to finish on or ahead of time. There were also instances where I used the tempo or the rhythm as reference as to how fast I was typing. For example, Knowing Me, Knowing You by ABBA was a bit slow, I had time to rest my hands every now and then; but, because If I Were A Boy by Beyonce was faster and more intense, I had to pick up the pace and match the bass drops every time I push ENTER.
Most of the time, I listened to the same songs while working so that it felt familiar and that I didn’t have to be stimulated by the details of audio that was either different or was not usually played. It helped me create this type of state where I could write so many words for so long that it was okay for me to rest after finishing a paper.
Anyone else who share the same or similar behavior with the 2019 version of me?
How I Was First Introduced to the Ballroom Culture
Now, this is a special memory. I had the opportunity to watch Pose, a really good Netflix show about the ballroom community in New York, almost the same time as it aired. Much like my experience with RENT, I was never aware of the other facets and history of my community until such content arrived at my doorstep. As a young, closeted kid before college, the only representation that I got to watch was that of comedians in Filipino TV shows that were only adjacent or even tangent of what I felt like was my identity. When I finally got the chance to be free, there were only a few chances that I had to relate to something or to someone.
The show was so special to me that I re-watched the first two seasons again and again. The scenario, that I will always find to be heartwarming, was always the same:
After class, I would buy a dish called Mongolian Bowl from a restaurant that I would always pass by before going home. The bowl was an overloaded mix of umami fried rice, pork, beef, and shrimp meat, and lots of spices. I think it was only PHP 120, or around that price, so it was a really good deal. I would buy a liter of water on a nearby 7/11 before arriving to my apartment. The apartment was small so my roommates and I didn’t have a table. What I would do was I would set up my laptop on my bed, get my small table to place my food and water, and watch the TV series until I finish my meal and it was time to do my projects.
Once the museum heist scene began, I was immediately hooked. It was so “cunty” when In My House by Mary Jane Girls was played because of the concepts of houses and homes – especially, every time Elektra Abundance Wintour Evangelista entered a room and treated the entire place as her own house. Every time there was a ball scene, I was immediately in awe of the spectacle and the truths of each character that was there – including the judges. When it was time for the fiction and history to join, particularly during the AIDS crisis, I subconsciously offered my attention and used the hope that the scenes portrayed to my every day problems. When I needed a little bit of positive energy, I listened to Love’s In Need of Love Today. At times when I couldn’t cry, I listened to Sometimes It Snows In April for a couple of times.
It came to a point that I watched the Paris is Burning documentary. I wanted to know more about the community even if I wasn’t in New York. I began loving Madonna’s Vogue with the thought of the ballroom community; and, became more into it after Beyonce sampled it for her Break My Soul (THE QUEENS Remix). And, luckily enough, there’s an actual growing community in the Philippines and I easily can go to their events (as long as I have the money).
I think I need to do a re-watch the first two seasons because I need to be in tune with my creative self again. Unfortunately, I need more courage and energy to watch the last season because I always had a problem with any kind of endings. Hopefully, I can do a proper essay on my thoughts about such show because I want to know how much I’ve grown by knowing the difference of the 2019 and the latest versions of myself by basing on my understanding and attachment to the stories and the contexts within.
Now, after my sections, it feels like you already have an inking as to my past. The energies of the previous parts are pretty much directing outwards. It was a pretty chaotic foundation; but, it’s only the start of the conversation. The next part is all about the internal.
If you still have your playlist or remember the songs that you constantly played back in 2019, can you let me know what’s the most memorable song in your playlist and how it became attached to you?
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