“We think, love, and feel to much; but, for them, we think that we are too much.” – Drew Mirandus
When you’re someone who’s tasked by the universe or you’re someone who took the challenge of breaking generational curses and other curses that might be attached or connected to your soul, please expect that someone will take advantage of you, regardless of whether they are aware or not. As you’re breaking the cycle of past traumas and low vibrations, you will be facing a lot of obstacles from yourself, your family, and from other triggers that you’ve been suffering from. Your inner peace will always be tested until the fortress that you have is fortified. You will push your limits of offering – making them obsolete in the eyes of the others. You will offer a lot of yourself, not because others demand it from you; but, because it’s the duty that was given to you by the universe to sort out the creases that was made from wrong mistakes by your ancestors. You’re ego will be tested by stripping away its own identities and replacing those with personas that will be set upon you by the rest of the world.
For the past few years, I’ve been instructed by the universe to do steps that are getting bigger and bigger.
I started as a kid with stellar grades – who was always chosen by the teachers to participate in contests with no rest in between. I got multiple medals like “Historian of the Year” or “Mathematician of the Year”; but, mostly because I was always the one who did the work. My parents were, of course, proud of me and attended my graduation. I even had a free trip to a tourist destination, out of our relatives’ pocket, just because I made them proud. However, when high school came around, I was immediately pressured by those were smarter and more privileged than me. From being at the top, I barely made it to the first ten. It was already a very disappointing moment for me. The lesson was to humble me so I could have more space of learnings.
On top of that, I was bullied because of my skin color, weight, and flamboyance, as if as these should be an indicator of one’s status in society. Another ton of pressure. When I tried to do my best to be healthy, my parents neglected my issue and told me not to starve myself. Not that I was doing it – for I just simply wanted to eat more vegetables and lessen my rice intake. I failed this test as I wasn’t able to assert and voice out my concerns and wants; and, I even went on a starvation stage without them knowing. I was able to lose weight, but ended up losing real appetite for food. I couldn’t do anything to my skin even though I was born whiter than anybody else. I tried using medicine and soaps but I was always outside of the house that I only went darker. Another failed test because I wasn’t comfortable in my skin. I couldn’t tone down my flamboyance so I simply went numb and almost sociopathic. In fact, when the show, Sherlock, was a bit famous in our geek section of the class, I immediately latched onto the persona because it felt like it was a safe space. I have no idea if I failed such test because even though I was more comfortable with my sexuality and identity, there is still a lot more work to be done; and, I don’t really have friends left from high school.
My stint as a college student was a blast and it changed a lot of things. I always had a laude status in the country’s top university. I was able to experience alcohol, nicotine and sex. I explored different food, places, and people. I got my first heartbreak, and another, and another. I was starting to be in tune with nature and my spirituality that was hidden by demeaning and suffocating religious practices. For a short period of time, I was a free, normal person. It was as if as I was given the free pass for a few years before I focus on my top mission yet.
When the pandemic came, I had the initiative to pause my studying – even though I only needed to finish one more year – because our family couldn’t handle the expenses anymore. From the first day, I scoured places just to get a proper job and even considered doing business. I became a breadwinner. From there, a list of problems rose to the surface – physical health, mental health, financial instability and challenges from all members of the family, inability for me and my family to heal their inner child or even get a taste of what it means to be comfortable. We lost people and we almost lost our house. From time to time, our electricity or water got cut off. It also didn’t help when my family’s true personalities and challenges added to the pile. However, I didn’t falter. I kept on pushing until I was able to be the main breadwinner of the family – taking charge of the finances, helping my mother in terms of the house chores, providing for my brother every time he reveals that something came up, and even giving my father for him to go back to his own province as he hasn’t been home for years. For many times, I wanted to give up, or take a pause, or just cry – but, no tears fell from eyes for I couldn’t. I simply went on, disregarded my emotions for I had no time for it, and saved my family from more despair and economic suffering.
It has been a few years since the pandemic and we’re doing better than before; but, not entirely comfortable. I managed to get a few hustles that will give me enough money for bills, groceries, and other essentials. When my brother has a problem, I’m able to move around my budgeting; but, only to a small degree. There are times that I’m able to go out and party – as it’s one of my ways to destress; but, there are times that I’m stuck inside of my room, looking for more ways to earn money. For most days, I’m just inside of my cocoon – just leaving it to help with the house responsibilities, buy stuff, and to walk at the park in the early mornings so I can breathe some fresh air. Things have been repetitive and it feels like it’s my own version of hell so I need and want a few changes.
A while ago, my friend gave me a tarot reading about myself and my next tasks. The cards said that it’s time for me to bring all of my repressed emotions and thoughts to the surface so I can properly process them. They told me that now is the time for me to not simply say that things are what it is. When I heard that, I realized I need more space for these – which means, relieving a bit of pressure in my brain so that I do what I have to do. I need some help from other people by making them do the responsibilities that I’ve been carrying for them. Now, this is a task on its own.
I’m not used to delegating nor being social. When I was in elementary, I didn’t want to bother my mother and father as they were busy doing their very best to provide us food to the table. I didn’t really have friends in elementary or in high school because they were busy either bullying me, ignoring me, or using my intellect for their own gain. I had “friends” in college but they were not mature enough for me to talk about deep topics with them; and, most of the time, they were shallow and often worrying about the wrong things. When I want to go out to explore a place I haven’t been to, or to drink and party, or to even just get coffee, I go out by myself because I’m not the person my acquaintances usually tag along. My real, circle of friends are away from me; and, are usually busy dealing with their own shit so I dare not burden them with my complaints and rants.
Just to clarify: I moved on from being nearly sociopathic and I did my best to make friends but I was usually the one giving help. I was never snobbish for things that mattered. In fact, upon thinking about it, maybe the reason that people were close to me was because they were gaining something from me. When I tried airing out my concerns or just simply talking to them about me, they would always redirect the conversation to what they’re talking about. It felt like I was being taken advantage of by undeserving people so I would rather not be close to them when the time came. (It’s a good thing that my real best friends are my true ride or dies – and, we offer help to each other whenever we can and by any means necessary.)
Most of the people that I met before were either not onto the same frequency as I was (and, most definitely not with the vibration that I’m in currently) or energy vampires. After they get what they want, they move on downward and pretend like I didn’t contribute to their growth and was never really there when they needed me. So, I was used to just being alone. I never even dared asking for people to do something for me, no matter how small the task is, because, when I did (which only happened once in a blue moon), it’s either they don’t know how to do it right and I will end up getting more problems, or they don’t respond nor act on my request at all.
Another clarification (for I know that there are people that are always excited to psychoanalyze everybody); I’m not a clingy person. I’m almost always uncomfortable giving and receiving human touch. When I talk to people, I don’t demand; but, rather, gently ask with a whiff of hesitation. Almost always, I prefer being alone because it means that I don’t have to spend my energy with talking with other people. Every instance where I meet someone – might be a relative, a friend, or a random person, I will always find time after to recuperate by myself.
The thought of increasing the number of times of talking to people or even expressing the need for something seems so exhausting because, almost always, I know what I have to do in order to satisfy that need. It also seems odd, and quite “wrong” – in a sense that it’s alien – for me to do so; because, I know that a lot of people who knew me before understands that I’m a definition of independence. However, I have to start doing it.
I made my first attempt with someone I know with regard to them being more proactive – in terms of finances – so that I will be a bit less stressed from the upcoming events that I’ll probably experience. Not to mention the fact that I am tired and have other personal goals; but, at the same time, keep on pushing so that there are less risks and consequences in the future. At first, my tone was a bit calm because it was only the first few instances that I have told them. However, when I saw that there was no urgency and movement as to their responsibility, I became so stressed that my tone changed to a more commanding one. Now, I’m not used to that kind of voice and it feels wrong.
Why? Because I understand their situation and there were a lot of circumstances that made them unable to do their job in the first place. They were not even the source of the problem; but, rather, becoming an aggravator. That latter voice made me sound like an ungrateful corporate nut job of a manager that demands their employees to their work while not considering their mental health status. I know that this fights against the fact that we have the same responsibility and the fact that other person has more experiences than me and should be able to do more than the bare minimum; but, it feels like I’m asking too much.
Am I though? Is it difficult to ask for more than the minimum when I shouldn’t have been asking in the first place? Is it too much when I didn’t even raise my voice nor changed my treatment to the other person? And, when they replied to my messages telling me that they’re sorry, something unseen hit me hard. It felt as though as I should be doing more – especially, knowing that I am more than what I am now. It may be argued that on both contexts of that person and myself that we should focus on the now – not on the potential of the future, and not even on the past; and, by that logic, it is not me who should be doing more for I’m not responsible for the accountability of other people.
This difficulty and exhaustion are both being worsened by fear – that if I ask for help or fall for once, everything else will crumble. Now, this might seem that I’m being an overreacting baby. However, this is the truth for all those empaths that are tasked to process generational trauma and break ancestral curses. I may not have the statistics but I know that there are people like me, who might experience worsening mental health issues because they seem alone and isolated as they do their job. And, the only thing that holds me together is the idea that when things to be going on a downward spiral, the positive return will be bigger and better.
While writing that paragraph, I realize the idiocy of that kind of fear because my current situation suggests that I should have faith that is bigger and grander than I once had. If I believe that there is a universe that guides me (and I know that there is because I have proven that multiple times already), then there is nothing to fear. My state of spirituality right now demands me to demand. It is difficult, indeed – which is why I have to do this more. I think that my current situation teaches me to live like a human being – with wants and need; someone who, at times, can be ridiculously and understandably selfish. That being selfish, or weak, or lacking doesn’t diminish me as a person. That, I believe that if I can be and am of service to other people; then, other people can be that to me.
Maybe, I’m feeling this suffocation because of the fact that I’m not used to ask for something. When my brother and cousins freely asked for something stupid and expensive from my grandparents, I didn’t. I remember when I needed a laptop for college and I was so shy to ask for help from my grandmother that my mother had to step in and ask for myself. Even before that, I didn’t really ask for anything for myself – not even candy. All I did was my best in order to prove that I’m worth the space and attention (going back to my high grades and being a student of a top university). When there’s something I want to experience, I always borrowed things from someone else. Maybe that lack of simple privilege, led to my hyper-independence. Maybe it was that constant need for approval so that my family remains acknowledged and safe led to this spiral.
In reality, I don’t really need to prove myself to other people. In fact, the need is to prove to myself that I’m worth it. Maybe, this is why I have to start asking; and, that I will only learn the lesson if that feeling of being too much and having less worth is gone. And, I need to realize that I only feel alone (which I don’t have to) because I never asked for anything and that it’s a good thing to try.
I can start small. I can simply ask for a bottle of water. I can request to my mother for her to make me a cup of coffee. Or, I can ask someone to hold something for me when I feel like my arms can’t handle it anymore. Those simple things. Then, maybe it’ll work.
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