“The only thing a person can ever really do is keep moving forward. Take that big leap forward without hesitation, without once looking back.” — Alyson Noel, The Immortals
For someone who, for most of their life, been alone in facing their own darkness and reconciling with different versions of themselves, all of the pain, hurt, guilt, and regret can build up until they can’t stop everything from exploding. There are those who face so much challenges and obstacles that they practically don’t have any time to process what is happening to them. There are those who don’t have a healthy way or channel to release their stress or to transmute any kind of negative energy to something that is beneficial only for them. This is because of the following things: 1) they are afraid of what might happen to other people that they love when they do so; 2) they have the foresight of knowing that things will get worse if they do so as it feels that it is untimely during those instances that they think about it; and, 3) they understand that this transmutation is only for themselves and that they might consider it selfish to do so.
Those people (might be me or you) then to overanalyze every aspect of the situation, every contingency, and every possible realities that might arise from their decisions. This does not even include the mess ups that happen when planets are in retrograde or when the position of the moon makes one empty or too emotional. They overthink everything mainly because they don’t want to go back to a stage in their life that was too dark, too emotional, and too broken. One must understand that this comes from an understandable fear. This is not an expression of doubt to one’s abilities to overcome the challenges that life can throw them; nor, an example of regret that comes from the lack of understanding as to why things happen. And, I would even go beyond what’s necessary and argue that there are times that overthinking – however, pain inducing – might either be the last resort nor a nexus point to arrive to where we’re meant to be. For a lot of us who feel deeply towards other people and has more than enough empathy, we fear about the damage that our expression may bring to those we love because we understand that they are not at the level where they can healthily understand our frustrations. Not to pity them or treat them as other or some sub-level spiritual being. It is just that we have the “luck” and the “blessing” to be this aware at a this certain point in time; but, there can be no healthy awareness from them when we make our decisions poorly.
Purging is a Tedious Thing That I Just Want to Jump
There are multiple faces in terms of selfishness as well – which makes this conundrum a bit more complicated. It can be considered selfish to transmute negative energies whenever we want to because it can be perceived as not being empathetic to not worry about other people. However, it is also possible to be selfish by piling up our own emotions because as skilled as we are, this means that the conversion remains within the self – with the leveling up only to be experienced by the self. So, the big question: what kind of selfishness do you to choose to have?
When we don’t express our thoughts and emotions to a point of piling up, we become selfish when at the same time, we prevent to show our vulnerability to other people. At the same time, we don’t allow others to be vulnerable to us. This kind of block prevents us having a proper communication of our needs, wants, and conflicts. As social beings, we are bound to be with other people; however, understandably, institutions and other triggers prevent us from being so. We prevent other people from supporting us and we might give them the impression that we don’t need them or they don’t matter. At the end of the day, we may end up catching them off guard when our bubbles burst; and, coincidentally, we might express an inauthentic version of ourselves because we become focused on purging out in such an unhealthy way.
For empathetic people like us, we hesitate from communicating what we feel because we fear that we might overload people and treat our communication as some form of oversharing or trauma dumping. Our expression, regardless on which manner, may be understood as a representation of our own narcissism because it may feel like we sideline other people’s needs, wants, and desires. If the timing and the circumstances are not aligned as well, this may lead to unnecessary arguments and conflicts that do not progress our growth and development as social beings. As we are bound to be fascinated with spectacle via negative emotions, our first instinct is to fight and escalate to prove that someone is right or wrong – or, to finish the race to determine who’s the most mature, the most grown, and the most logical. Because of this, there may be some of us who might intellectualize the situation and think of other ways of expression besides the rawest form of communication.
Personally, with the most sincere honesty, I say that I experience both and more. Imagine being in a situation where you know that the people that surround you or are of concern on the topics of your expression are not in the desired stage; therefore, you were taught of the same thing; however, you’re the type of being who’s more emotional than other people, and have been repressed for your entire life. That is me. In my own psyche, it sounds like I’m selfish in all fronts. However, I’m not the type of person who wants to escalate things to prove a point. I want to ensure to have the lowest risks or minimal dangers as much as possible in order for me to do my mission and my goals. I want to be able to maintain high function, ensure “stable” relationships, and lower the chaos within my environment for me to do what I need to do for myself – but, more importantly, for other people.
This is a dangerous path, if I say so myself; for, because of this situation, it is my body that leads the purging, and not my mind. I’m sure a lot of you have experienced suddenly becoming sick just because you bear too much. You become surprisingly exhausted. Your appetite for things like food and music fluctuate. Disorder becomes the natural order. I remember one time during the pandemic – when things became too sour and I over indulged on unhealthy things to overcompensate from the lack of everything else, during one full moon (and, no, I’m not a werewolf), I became so emotional that I threw up, had a fever, and, suddenly, transformed to an unhealthy high school student – crying, while listening to music, drinking, and writing poems. It was a pathetic sight to see. I became an energy vampire for a short time and made the wrong mistakes. I even remember being so drunk during my birthday and cried to my mother because things were just so much (an event that I totally regret from happening).
And, when things get a little bit more out of hand, the universe steps in and forces you to do an overhaul – a purging like no other. It is the most painful and the most satisfying thing. I lost friends. My plans were delayed. I lost appetite for things that made me happy back then. It made me feel alone and lonely. I kept on experiencing “bad” things until I made the right decision in my life. I lost a lot of people, things, and skills that we’re not of use for me anymore. Purging became the first step on leveling up and raising the vibrations.
The Paradoxical Nature of Purging
It becomes a tedious thing on two levels.
On a human, physical level, you have to factor in multiple factors if you want to get the results that you desire. From the people that surround you, to your current circumstances, to your ability to handle all risks and consequences. Everything matters. You can’t just express and hope for the best (although, some may be successful in this strategy). You don’t want for disorder to be your natural order; which is why, you have to treat everything in perfectly imperfect balance. Yes, pain is inevitable; but, consider the type of pain that you’ll experience. Will it be the type that will propel you and other people forward? Or, will it be the type of pain that will leave you ungrateful and a person who can’t be moved?
On a spiritual level, if your body and the universe tells you to release, you have to be one with the flow; or else, you’ll experience so much more heartbreak than necessary. Nothing else matters. The factors are thrown away because you’ll have to treat everything as it is. No matter what happens, as long as you’ve removed those that don’t deserve your attention and energy, then you’ve done your job. If you resist like a petulant child, you’ll keep on making the same mistakes. And, if you still haven’t learned your lessons, you’ll become that person who’ll be left out by other people because they have grown and their frequency have raised. You will not be in a state of catharsis; but, rather, limbo.
You may wonder on how to manage both levels. The first thing that you have to do is to listen. At first, when I was generally an insecure and immature version, I didn’t listen to anything or to anybody. Whenever there were signs from the body, I decided to pause and rest; but, ended up going back to the same routine. Whenever there were signs from the universe, I chose to ignore them because of the pain and hurt. Back then, things got worse and more fear crept in. When I finally chose to listen, I propelled and my limits were pushed. I was able to do what I couldn’t have done before. I was able to process my emotions more carefully, and more healthily. Though, I dare not say that I’m now at the perfect state for I am a human being. I still make mistakes, and my bottle (now, bigger) keeps getting filled up still. Purging is still a tedious thing; but, I remain myself.
Here comes the tricky part. There are times that I listen to either the body, the universe or both; however, there are instances that I don’t listen to either. There are special circumstances where you have to push through and be selfish in a sense that you’ll own it in order to experience the true lessons from the concept of purging. Upon realizing just now, it seems that the decision are sometimes being left by our body and the universe to our own psyche, in some reverse psychology fashion, for us to arrive to our destination.
We can never know the reason why. There may be times that our body allows us to do what we have to do because the universe demands so; or, vice versa, when we need to indulge and to let our human-ness to be much more apparent. It is possible that we face some circumstances on our own in order to determine how far we can go – how far we can jump for the mystical elements to understand when we actually need help or when we need to purge our thoughts, beliefs, and connections. Sometimes, the lack of purging is a part of the process itself – especially, when our entire being needs to prepare or recuperate or when the timing for everybody is not right.
I know what some of you are thinking. This is a bit of a headache; but, this may either be truth or how my brain processed this concept. This may be a bit too timey-wimey-wishey-washey nonsense at surface level but we have to be in the flow in order to recognize its reality. We have to get past this complexity in order to prevent ourselves from the purgatory of spirituality where we just do nothing – when this version of nothingness is a bad thing. This is where faith comes in. Yes, even expression may need to rely on faith.
The Sweet and Bitter Sensations of a Good Vibration
I’m not talking about the religious type of faith. This is all about not looking ahead nor behind; nor having either assumptions or regret. I know, I’m having difficulty with this. As someone who likes systems, details, and order, faith is a tricky thing to grasp. It’s tactile quality, or lack thereof, is indeed daunting. However, in order to go up, we have to jump without knowing whether we are going down or we have something to land on.
At most times, we don’t really know when we can express or purge. We may have free will, yes; but, things just happen. When one expresses or outbursts, it may be perceived as idiotic or logical on the surface; but, when we’re looking at a bigger picture, we may see that it is necessary for an aspect of our lives to move forward. We may get sick and physically purge; but, we never know what benefit it may give us. Things may get delayed because we aren’t ready or other things might not yet be in place.
When we are frustrated from things not moving as planned, or when the water pouring into bottle is spilling on the floor, the universe understands our position. It does not stay quiet nor ignore us. In one way or another, it consoles us – telling us that things will indeed get better even if we don’t realize it. All we have to do is focus on the mission. When we are exhausted, we can rest. When we need something, we can simply just ask and the cosmos will assess if that’s what we really need. We’re being allowed to make mistakes as long as we make up for those and we are being accountable for every consequences.
The funny thing is, at the end of the day, no matter how much we resist, we will eventually surrender. You can’t keep on pushing when your body is too tired. At times when you want to speak argue, there will be a gut feel telling you to stop. There will always be a hidden force that stop you. Something unexpected may happen that might prevent you from doing whatever it is you deem necessary. There are even instances when, at the moment of your surrender, things will get better instantly. The emotional baggage will be gone. The problems will be lighter. And, suddenly, you have nothing to purge anymore.
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