“Loneliness is the human condition. Cultivate it. The way it tunnels into you allows your soul room to grow. Never expect to outgrow loneliness. Never hope to find people who will understand you, someone to fill that space.” – Janet Fitch, White Oleander
In the Middle of Chaos, There is Me.
When you’re someone who was taught nothing and everything about facing life – for most parts – you are alone… or, at least, you feel like it. You’re bound to go solo when you’re breaking curses that were thrown towards you even before you were born. You feel less and less inclined to be with people when you’re trying to build your own foundation and prioritize your own wants and needs (even for a second). It’s as if as the odds are against you and you’re just meant to lack the opportunity nor the support to address your own desires. And when there’s a small opening of hope, a boulder hits you – pushing you to the downward spiral you’re trying to evade.
Right now, that is how I feel. Indeed I am a person born in the middle of chaos who are trying to taste a portion of peace. I am someone who is facing this eldritch horror made of disappointments, disagreements, and unresolved healing from the self and other people; with only but a small knife that was used by the hobbit who went onto his adventures – the difference being; I haven’t done anything. For most of the days, starting from when I was given the universal duty as the messenger of life and a supporting character in the middle of a spiritual war, I tend to face the mundane – as if as it’s the only mission that I have. I would not dare say that I have parts of Bilbo; for he had experienced the simplicity and the bountifulness of life.
Compared to when he used to wake up to tend to his garden, I wake up in the middle of the night to gain a sense of peace. With everyone being quiet in their sleep (theoretically, as those who surround me snore loudly), I have the time and space to do things that calm me or, at least, give me purpose. I do my work to survive this unforgiving world while I laugh at things to pretend that things are just fine. I grab multiple cups of coffee to give me energy as the mundane drains me and the evil (not darkness, to be specific) binds me to tempt me into being unforgiving and mad against myself and the world. After that, I do my best to help those I love on their chores because it’s as if as they can’t survive without me. Not that the truth is one hundred percent; however, I’m tasked to balance out the energies and to transmute all aggression to something that is beautiful. That task which lasts until before I go to sleep is tiring.
As my eyes closed, I tend to either dream about the most obnoxious things or travel to places I dare not go. I dream about those who hurt me; of those who might; and, those who I might. It’s always with pretentiousness from the desires of the world. And, because I understand the severity of the pain – especially, the one that is inflicted on the soul – I tend to take it all in so that only one will be damaged goods. (Now that I’m writing about it, it does sound sad. It is. For it feels like the only choice for the world to be better and for the people to be able to heal, is for me to take the hit. But, that’s a story for another day.) While I feel anger, sorrow, and hurt, some unknown force drags me to different dimensions and realms that might make me not wake up. There are those places where I shouldn’t take anything or eat anything or else I might die. There are those areas where I’m not even allowed to go. And, there are spaces that might look like it’s safe to explore and walk around; but, then, you’ll get jumped at for no reason.
It’s almost always the same routine everyday. That is without even considering the rocks being thrown at me from time to time – to test me if I have the confidence and the guts. It’s a funny thing to talk about because to be honest, I don’t really mind. In fact, even back then, I always face different kinds of wrath head on. I have this mantra of things being as it is and to complain is idiotic. But, sometimes, the darkness gets to you. As a human being, I have my limits and desires that must be understood and recognized even if the missions came from the cosmos. Everything fights against this fear of being cursed upon or retaliated just because I aired my concerns.
If I complain, or oppose, will my life be damned forever? If I say that I am tired, will I be named as “The Ungrateful”? If I take a pause, even for a day, will everything fall into oblivion? These are the questions that I have in my mind – these that make me stop speaking and voicing, and continue to do my mission in my path.
If I’m demanded honesty, then please don’t damage me when I say that some times, when things get so rough that it feels like I can’t handle them in the moment, I want to breathe. I don’t want to pause; but, I want to have a symbol of things actually getting better. I hope when the ego says there is none; but, it would be a nice gesture from the heavens above for me to allow me to experience the other side of coin that is life; or, to have someone or something to recognize that some times, I do need help.
Being Alone is My Haven
Often times, when people need me, I’m there. I offer almost everything that I can do to make things right and moving. My talents, skills, and understanding serve everyone but me. And, no, before one makes the assumption that I’m being taken granted for, I offer these wholeheartedly. It’s just that I’m taking some time to reflect on how it feels like I’m empty – and, that every instance that I attempt to refill my vessel, something takes it away for me for some reason. Now, with everything else considered, and with me starting this journey in secret, I realize that being alone is a double edged sword.
Yes, no one knows about this. I don’t even have the faintest idea of telling this to them until the time is right to do so. I recognized the pattern in the past where my plans get thwarted just because I spoke about it. Something usually happened during or after that made me delay everything I have on the line. This irritating phenomenon led me to this. This also has nothing to do with my peers nor with other people that surrounds me. I just want this to be my personal thing for this might be the actual first time when feeling alone doesn’t sound bad and tedious.
This is a double-edged sword that I want to be holding for as long as I can. Something that I am to be proud of. Something that says that this is Drew Mirandus. Why? Because, the chaos made me unlabeled and undefined. This is an exploration of what I am and what I’m bound to be. In fact, when I consider chaos as my natural environment, I treat being alone as my haven for it is what I learned to understand and welcome for the years that I am living.
To clarify: to be alone doesn’t mean to disregard other people and what they’ve done or currently doing for and with me. This is only to recognize that my path is my own and, at the end of all things, I will be welcomed by the cosmos by my own. The odd thing is that being alone can get lonely; and, if it means that this is the only path for me, then I’ll embrace the feeling altogether.
If being alone is filled with loneliness, then it means that I have enough space for its opposite – however, at this time, I still don’t know its name or what it does. If being alone is indeed a part of the human condition, then I’ll gladly embrace it so that I can offer more – with the task of offering to myself being the only difficult thing.
As a matter of fact, I’m used to this feeling already. When I was a kid, even though my parents were there to support me however they could, it is always me who made the decisions on my personal endeavors. When they had problems, I made the moves to make sure that the consequences from mistakes were minimal (and, that was without force nor persuasion from everyone else). It was as if as the protocol of my soul was to offer and to be alone in the process.
When I had my first taste of freedom from institutions that suffocated me, I was alone. I was in the same state when I had to face my heart when it was first broken, my mind when it was first pushed to its limit, and my body when it first failed to protect me. I know the feeling. I understand how this goes. It was in those first instances when I started my own journey of healing. It might not be as entertaining nor adventurous as how I want it to be – it might not be as exciting as when Frodo learned about pity nor having the courage to face what needs to be done. However, it started the fire that was being cultivated by Prometheus himself. The first embrace of the darkness is the spark of the first light.
And, as I venture into the unknown, I hope my state of loneliness be my guide. I manifest for it to be the sword that helps me fight against the nameless things that came from the void. For the cosmos that listen, please recognize this:
I do not want to stray away from the path nor leave my mission. I do not want to simply let things go to destruction and to let chaos erase those that I love. However, if being alone is to be my state; then, please guide me. Let me hear, see, and feel you. Let me understand that everything will be worth it in the end.
I do not judge nor doubt you. However, I want to emphasize my own being: that I’m both human and divine. That my mind and the evil can take me to the darkest of places as much as you guide me to brightest light. That I have limits and I am limitless. I’m the paradox that should happen.
If you found this piece insightful, consider supporting my work – every contribution helps fuel more in-depth stories, reflections, and meaningful content. Support here!
